I am ready to leave an abusive relationship… again. I have tried to leave my husband before, but I have always returned back to him, hoping that if I can just love him enough he might change. However, this time he verbally abused and threatened my daughter as well, so I have had enough. This is my third marriage that is falling apart. Why do I keep attracting abusive men? I feel I had a loving childhood, although I remember hearing my parents arguing when my Father got home late at night after work. Sometimes it ended with my Father physically beating my Mother. He was often angry with me too, but I can’t recall him ever hitting me. What can I do to find the right partner and role model for my daughter as well?  

Ronald Fearon

Thank you for sharing your pain and being so honest about your situation. It sounds like you are awakening to the truth of what is really going on energetically beneath the surface.

In order to heal we need to feel our feelings fully without judging them.

You seem to be aware that you are the one attracting abusive men into your life, but you are wondering why. Anger directed toward a child is abuse, and often the child will take on the projection and “own” it. As a young child you also witnessed your Mother being physically abused, which may have set up a pattern in your world of how women should be treated by men. This insight is a great step in healing your relationships, but not enough to break the pattern of abuse and codependency.

In order to heal we need to feel our feelings fully without judging them. We often believe that others can make us feel a certain way, but what if they are actually helping us to access our deeply suppressed emotions that we really only need to embrace?

You wrote you were hoping that if you can just love him enough he might change. Unfortunately, that seldom happens. However, when you begin loving yourself enough and you become what you want him to be, then you can attract someone who sees that in you – either with your current husband or with a new partner. 

One of the best role models for your daughter, besides a loving Father, would be for you to connect with your own inner child and tell her how much you love her and that you will always be there to protect her, as well as conveying this to your own daughter. 

Before you begin a new relationship you do need to heal the unresolved issues from the past, otherwise you will continue to attract men who remind you of your angry Father. 

One way to do this is to write a letter to your Father spelling out everything wrong he has done that has ruined your life. Of course, you don’t actually send this or the following letters to him. After a few days you can write a second letter, attempting to see the situation more from his perspective. Maybe he had been abused as a child and dosen’t have the capacity to do better? In the third letter you have already surrendered all the pain from the past. Here you write how everything is unfolding perfectly, according to a divine plan, even if you may have to fake it at first. 

It may seem like a paradox, but as we are willing to embrace the people in our lives fully in unconditional love, without needing them to change, then we will begin to experience our relationships miraculously changing for the better.